Thanks for all of you guys’ wonderful responses and dms after my Half I put up about blended households and bonus mothers – I used to be doing a Q&A on tales yesterday and realized I by no means posted the half 2! I really like having the ability to convey a extra open dialog round blended households and motherhood as a bonus mama.
SCHEDULES/LIFESTYLE
Q: Do you get a protracted with Cody’s ex-wife? Do you guys hang around?
A. Im actually grateful all of us get a protracted.
One factor I needed might have been totally different for me rising up, was that when my mother and father obtained divorced they might have been buddies (I really like each my mother and father very a lot and I do know no household is ideal, but it surely was laborious at instances feeling that stress). They lived throughout the nation from one another, in order that they didn’t need to see one another a lot. Once I would go to go to my mother I’d fly on my own (I don’t know in the event that they nonetheless do that, however I began at like 5 or 6 years outdated and my mother and father would stroll me to the gate and you then sit in again row by flight attendant and do the flight by yourself. I even have a whole lot of enjoyable reminiscences with tremendous form flight attendants who would play video games and stuff with me. I believe that is additionally a part of the rationale I realized to turn into fairly impartial at a younger age, and touring alone hasn’t ever actually scared me however in any case…), however ya I nonetheless at all times felt that awkward stress every time they have been in the identical room. I keep in mind even on my wedding ceremony day worrying about ensuring each mother and father felt they obtained equal consideration and love. And possibly that was one thing I created in my head, but it surely made me wish to make it a precedence once we obtained married that we now have an excellent relationship with Cody’s ex, in order that the children by no means felt that stress or stress, and so we might all go to the children occasions and it not be awkward. Once more, this was not an in a single day factor, it took years to get to that time. Particularly if it is a contemporary scenario, it should take a whole lot of time. However as a child who has been on that facet of divorce, that was one factor I actually wished totally different for our children.
Time, time, time! I believe all of it simply takes time, however I really like speaking to their mother in regards to the children and sharing pleasure for the issues they’re doing, or issues they’re studying or going via. All of us sit by one another at a lot of the children video games and occasions, it’s in an excellent place.
Q. Do you get a say in making all the choices about colleges and such. How do you take care of that facet?
A. Lengthy story brief, I’ve no say haha. Cody talks to me about it, however that is among the laborious elements of being a bonus mother, you like your bonus infants and assist increase them however in my case I’m not likely a choice maker. I imply day after day what we’re doing Cody and I resolve, however larger choices Cody and his ex spouse work out collectively.
Q. Because the bonus mothers/mother and father, are you concerned in communication to his ex or simply Cody?
A. In our scenario, Cody and his ex work out particulars for essentially the most half. Clearly there are occasions when Cody continues to be at work or out of city or one thing so I decide up/drop off the children, and so forth. however the majority of communication is between her and Cody. We lately began a bunch textual content for sports activities and faculty scheduling and typically share photos of the children from faculty or sports activities too, however most scheduling goes via them.
Q. How do you deal with frustration along with your step children’ schedule?
A. One factor that took time for me to comprehend and perceive is that if you’re a step father or mother (not at all times the case, however at the very least in my scenario) even if you happen to all get alongside, on the finish of the day you’ve little say over holidays, faculty schedules, actually simply plans normally. For me, someone who likes to plan forward and be in management, it’s typically laborious. For instance, once we have been making an attempt to plan a visit and I’d ask Cody if he had texted the children’ mother to verify sure days work and I’d need quick solutions for issues 😂 and he’s like I haven’t talked to her but, and I’m all nicely name proper now, what’s the maintain up 😂😂 I finally realized that 1) typically you don’t get quick solutions as a result of she has a life too clearly and you’ll’t anticipate quick responses on a regular basis and a couple of) issues take longer to coordinate and plan than it might with your personal children, so it’s important to plan forward a bit additional.
Q. Do you’ve full custody? How usually and the way lengthy do your bonus children stick with you?
A. We have now joint custody so it alters. Proper now, each different week we now have them for Thursday/Friday, after which the subsequent week 4 days Thursday-Sunday.
Q. Would you ever journey with out the bonus children?
A. I believe our scenario is a bit totally different as a result of we LOVE to journey and in addition journey fairly a bit for work, however we at all times be certain that to plan all our “huge journeys” once we can go collectively as a household. For instance we normally do a giant 2 week journey each summer time and we at all times do this with all the children. (One exception is like spring break – we alter years with their mother for spring break so if Mara and Wes are with their mother these days, we’ll nonetheless take Beckam and Ollie on a spring break journey). If your loved ones sometimes solely goes on 1 or 2 journeys a 12 months, I’d for certain attempt to make it work to incorporate everybody. We have now a lot enjoyable once we journey with all the children and Beckam and Ollie love being with Mara and Wes as a lot as we do, so we want we might at all times journey collectively but it surely doesn’t at all times work out that approach. That’s one other factor you notice after you’ve children of your own- each mother and father need as a lot time as they’ll with their children. If it’s a problem to get extra days or change schedules for journeys, attempt to have perspective and notice their different father or mother desires to hang around with them as a lot as potential too. Not saying it by no means sucks or their aren’t nonetheless dissatisfied events, however its sort of an “it’s what it’s” scenario. However truthfully it at all times appears like one thing is lacking once we journey with out them.
Q. Do they go faculty half-hour away? How does that work?
A. They used to reside 10 minutes away from us for like 8 years and lately they moved a pair cities away. I’m so grateful they’re nonetheless inside driving distance as a result of for me rising up, that wasn’t the case, so I’m simply grateful we nonetheless get to see them a lot. But it surely has undoubtedly made it a bit tougher, particularly now that they’re in a number of sports activities, and Mara and Wes are in two totally different colleges (junior excessive and elementary) they go at totally different instances. Everybody has totally different practices and schedules after faculty, so it will get busy however we’re glad they’re nonetheless shut.
Q. Are they open to speaking about issues they do with their mother round you?
A. I really feel like they’re tremendous open with us, however I suppose I wouldn’t truly understand how a lot they’re selecting to share. I do know as a child, typically I’d really feel nervous telling the opposite father or mother what I used to be doing after I was with my different father or mother (even now typically, truly haha) as a result of I didn’t wish to make the opposite father or mother really feel unhealthy, so I hope Mara and Wes don’t really feel that approach but in addition I suppose I can’t know 100% for certain since we aren’t with them 24/7.
Q. How do you cut up up firsts or particular instances with their mother and also you guys?
We haven’t had a whole lot of firsts the place we will’t each present up someplace to assist them. For his or her first time to Disney, we did ask the children’ mother if we might take them however aside from that, there haven’t been a whole lot of instances when we have to cut up up firsts.
Q. How do you guys deal with holidays/birthdays?
It’s sort of modified through the years. We at all times cut up Christmas – I do know thats not as in style. I believe lots of people do each different Christmas. Thanksgiving and Spring Break we alternate yearly. Generally Easter falls over Spring Break, and so forth. Birthdays have modified – typically we alternate years and typically we follow the schedule. After they have been youthful, one individual would get them the night time earlier than and half of their birthday, after which the opposite would get the opposite half of the day and the night time. At first I believe everybody was hypersensitive and micromanaging time and issues have relaxed since then. I’d get within the mentality of making an attempt to verify every part was ‘truthful’. However in a blended household, it’s inconceivable to make every part 100% truthful.
We might even have traditions that we do yearly with the children, like carving pumpkins and adorning gingerbread homes. And we’ll wait to do these traditions till we now have Mara and Wes with us so we will do all of it collectively as a household. I believe it makes the vacations really feel extra particular and we’re much more intentional about our time collectively throughout these instances.
SUPPORT:
Q. Do you’re feeling it is advisable know different bonus mothers for assist? I don’t have anybody in my life.
A. I do know like one or two different bonus mothers however now that I’m serious about it I don’t know if I’ve ever actually talked to them a ton about it. My step mother is and I’ve talked to her in fact 🙂 We have now 2 step dads inside our prolonged household, however in any other case I really feel like my bodily circle of bonus mothers is fairly small. For those who’re becoming a member of a web-based group of different blended households, I’d search for one which’s aim is a optimistic household surroundings – there are such a lot of that may turn into tremendous destructive and that power will simply detract. However I believe bonus mothers could be a nice assist for one another.
DISCIPLINE/PARENTING FOR BLENDED FAMILIES:
Q. Did you do any self-discipline once they have been youthful?
A. Sure, however nothing main.
Q. How do you not step on any toes/do you’re feeling like you possibly can self-discipline them? Do you ever put boundaries or is it Cody’s ‘job’?
A. I by no means need Mara and Wes to really feel like they get handled in a different way, so we attempt to say constant via every part and that features with disciplining and guidelines. For instance: In the event that they make a multitude in the lounge with Beckam, I wouldn’t solely make Beckam clear it. And in the event that they don’t pay attention, which they’re children and typically they don’t haha, they may get a distinct chore. However I do this actual factor for all the children.
There are 10000% instances I’ll say to Cody although, will you be the enforcer this time, I don’t need them to hate me. And typically he’ll, and different instances he’s like you’re nonetheless a mother to them, they love you and it’s okay for them to have penalties. I believe he gages my temper haha. I’ve been of their life over 10 years, and know they love me, however typically nonetheless fear “what in the event that they suppose I’m the evil step mother!” So I believe you gage what feels most pure and cozy for you.
Q. Do you give your bonus children chores?
A. 100%, however all the children have weekly chores (– one factor Cody and I each really feel strongly about is instructing our children work ethic, in order that goes for all the children clearly). For us it simply wouldn’t make sense if solely Beckam and Ollie have been doing weekly chores and Mara and Wes simply sat on the sofa. We’re a household and all of us have obligations.
Do I ever really feel responsible about it? There are some instances when it’s the final hour or two earlier than Mara and Wes return to their mother’s home and Cody tells them they should clear up a multitude and decide up the room, and I inform him they solely have 1 hour left and to allow them to simply have enjoyable. He says no, they’re nonetheless our children they want handle their obligations, which is de facto what we’d do with Beckam and Ollie. So the instances when I’m a bit extra lax about chores or choosing up after themselves is earlier than they depart, however through the common day after day, they do the identical issues my children do. (And Cody is de facto good about being constant regardless of the circumstances.)
Okay that wraps up this put up! Plenty of you’ve questions or recommendation about coping with organic mothers or establishing a bond along with your bonus infants – I’m actually wish to be an open e book and share as a lot as I can, so I’ll save that for the subsequent few posts, together with ideas for bonus mothers and ideas for bio mothers since I obtained a number of questions from you guys too ❤️ I’ve cherished listening to from you all about your personal blended households and the way a lot you like your bonus infants!
XX, Christine
